In June, we celebrated fathers! Just like our reflection on Mother’s Day, we considered what fatherhood means to us. CFC surrogates have helped many wonderful dads bring their babies into the world; some of those dads and our team members who served as their surrogates shared their journeys through fatherhood.
Some believe that Father’s Day dates back to the early 1500s with the Catholic celebration of Saint Joseph’s Day. Father’s Day as we know it began shortly after Mother’s Day. Sonora Louise Smart championed the holiday’s inception; she was the oldest of six children, raised by their father, William Jackson Smart, after her mother died in childbirth. Sonora heard a Mother’s Day sermon in church, and she wanted a holiday to celebrate the wonderful role her father served in her rearing. In 1966, President Lyndon B. Johnson officially declared the holiday, but it didn’t become prolific until 1972, when Richard Nixon signed the holiday into law; Sonora was 90 years old at the time. In his proclamation, Nixon wrote, “To have a father—to be a father—is to come very near the heart of life itself.”
Father’s Day customs vary throughout the world. In Thailand, it is a tradition to wear yellow. In Mexico City, a Father’s Day race called Carrera Dia del Padre is held every year. In Nepal, children often give sweets as gifts to their parents, and sometimes receive blessings from their fathers in return. In France, roses are the traditional gift.
At CFC, we know that all parents deserve recognition and celebration, so we talked to dads and the surrogates they worked with to better understand their journeys and their relationship with fatherhood. We have a few team members who were surrogates for two-dad families; their stories highlight the beautifully diverse paths to parenting, and the role that assisted reproduction can play in building these loving families.
Nica C., an amazing client coordinator here at CFC, has been an egg donor for dads and a gestational carrier for two sets of dads. Nica’s father, whom she considers “the best dad in the whole world,” and her husband who is a wonderful parent to their children, inspired her journeys. In helping dads build their families as a donor and a surrogate, Nica’s journeys made her appreciate fatherhood all the more because they expanded her network of good dads.
In her egg donation journeys, the dads were first-time parents; Nica witnessed them fall in love with parenthood so much that they continued growing their family through a sibling journey.
Nica’s definition of fatherhood is the same as her general definition for parenthood, which is being a “guide to little humans.” Due to the inseparable definitions of fatherhood and parenthood, Nica pointed out that children aren’t missing anything by having two dads and no mom because they still have loving parents, and that’s what counts. Nica says that her kids are the best thing that ever happened to her, so it is a special thing to watch other people have that experience.
Samantha S., one of our great paralegals, has also been a surrogate for two sets of dads. These journeys have helped her develop a stronger sense for the meaning of fatherhood. To Sam, fatherhood is all about love. It is not about gender, but about showing up and truly caring. She shared that seeing the devotion and intention that her intended parents displayed expanded the way she thought about fatherhood and the many forms it can take. She said “watching them step into fatherhood with such tenderness and reverence showed me that love and commitment are what define a parent, not titles or traditional roles.” Everything those fathers did during the journey, and still do now, has been centered around what is best for their children, which is a true sign of parenthood for Sam. Her intended parents were fully engaged, present, and emotionally invested. This made it all the more rewarding to watch them grow their family, sown with love and gratitude. Sam also shared that carrying for those dads was one of the most fulfilling and joyful things she has ever done.
Carrie J., one of our wonderful journey coordinators, was a surrogate for a two-dad family who also shared their story with us. Carrie sees fatherhood as “an incredible, selfless responsibility that is both challenging and rewarding at the same time.” She said it is also “being a role model for your children, seeing the world through their eyes, and providing them with rich opportunities, stability and security.” Being a surrogate for two wonderful fathers gave her more appreciation for that role. It also made Carrie more aware of some of the unique challenges of fatherhood. For example, male bathrooms less frequently have changing tables, which poses an issue for dads. Despite these barriers, Carrie shared that the intended parents with whom she worked were “naturals from the moment their daughter was born. They are hands-on, encouraging, intelligent and kind. They are raising a strong, confident, worldly daughter and providing her with incredible opportunities in life.”
Those amazing dads shared their experiences of becoming fathers with the help of assisted reproduction through CFC. Both dads wanted to be parents for a long time, promising it to each other when they got married. However, there were barriers as they lived very transient lives, making adoption and surrogacy agencies hard to access. They even faced issues with the fact that in many countries, such as India and Thailand, surrogacy was not open to Dutch citizens. That led them to CFC! The logistical challenges surrogacy can pose meant they waited later than some of their peers to start their family, and that they would likely have an only child as both of them “wanted to have the energy and stamina to be active fathers.” Because of their immense dedication to becoming parents, they spent time reading books and taking classes to learn about different parenting methods and all the right ways to hold, bathe, and swaddle a baby, along with other practical skills. When their daughter arrived, they found that “the reality of having a kid is completely different.”
About Carrie, these parents said that she was not just their surrogate; she became a dear friend. They said that Carrie and her family, who they now consider part of their own, “showed us what good parenting is in a practical sense, just by being who they are. They inspired us to be better and different parents, more than all our preparation had been able to do.” They also have a complementary definition of parenthood to Carrie’s, rooted in love and care for the development of their children. They find that “parenthood means love. It means patience. It means joy. It means listening. It means a steep learning curve and it sometimes means frustration.” One dad concluded that, for him, fatherhood “means a lot of unexpected challenges, which sometimes make my head spin. I don’t define fatherhood, it defines me.” Ultimately, they said that surrogacy had changed not only their idea of fatherhood, but also what a family can be, and the richness that becoming a parent can bring into your life.
The stories show the vital role fathers play as parents and in shaping their children’s lives. Father’s Day was established because of the deep respect for the job Sonora Louise Smart had for her father, and dads continue to show up with that love and dedication, so we continue to enjoy celebrating them!
What does fatherhood mean to you?
Sources:
https://www.bbc.co.uk/newsround/48530462
https://www.countryliving.com/life/entertainment/a65059873/fathers-day-history/
https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/proclamation-4127-fathers-day